Red Skelton's recipe for a Perfect Marriage

I truly do miss his humor

PRICELESS

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough, you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liners from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

*1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

*2. We also sleep in separate beds.Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .

*3. I take my wife everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.

*4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.So I suggested the kitchen.

*5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

*6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

*7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

*8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.Then the mud fell off.

*9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

*10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

*11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was “Always”.

*12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months; I don't like to interrupt her.

*13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'I said, 'Dust!'

Can't you just hear him say all of these?I love it........these were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.

And he always ended his programs with the words, 'God Bless.'

"FOR EVERY MINUTE YOU ARE ANGRY, YOU LOSE SIXTY SECONDS OF HAPPINESS"

Stop Signs - The Complaint!

Stop Signs - My Response

Stop Signs - Gnarly Trombone's take

Wildlife

The United States Air Force Academy (USAFA) is just north of Colorado Springs. This is a condensed version of an E-mail I had received and my response:

This huge elk was hit by truck where I work. Darn it.

Forwarded from USAFA Safety - Elk strike photo shows a dead elk so don't open if you don't want to see it.

Good morning Team USAFA,
As the fall season progresses and the weather cools it marks a time of high activity for the wildlife across our 18,000+ acres. This time of year marks the rutting season for both our mule deer and elk populations. These animals are very active during this time and with their hormones raging they will do things out of the norm. I've noticed a significant spike the last two-weeks of deer-strike blotter entries. We even had a bull elk killed after being struck on stadium blvd. Fortunately our member was not harmed however you will see the extensive damage to the vehicle. I've attached two pictures of the incident. Additionally, these animals are much more aggressive during the mating season. If you are out enjoying the scenery USAFA has to offer and come across any deer give them a wide berth. The attached video link shows a little of this aggressiveness. https://afkm.wpafb.af.mil/DocView.asp?DocIDp89553

I ask each of you to remind your folks to keep their eyes out for wildlife on or near the roads. The ever changing weather also adds a higher level of risk for strikes. I had a close call with three mule deer bucks in the fog earlier in the week. Use your high-beam headlights when possible at night, slow down, and use a good visual scan to spot these animals. We want to protect both the animals and our members from injury.

Response: As a professional driver, I have to slightly disagree with the statement you made: "Use your high-beam headlights when possible at night, slow down, and use a good visual scan to spot these animals. "

Yes, use your high-beams while driving, BUT when you spot these animals along the side or on the road, drop the beams to low, and kill the driving lights. You've heard of the expression "Deer in the headlights"? Well, that's what that means. When they're caught in the bright lights of a vehicle, including the driving lights, they will either freeze, or run out in front of you because that's the only area they can see!

Problem is, too, many people have their driving lights hard-wired into their headlights or marker lights and cannot turn them off. OR... don't know where the switch is. So, you may want to convey this tidbit of info to your peeps.

Thank you for the original public service announcement.

And as for the first line of the memo, my response to my friend: “They're ALL huge. The guy is lucky it didn't end up on his lap! The elk I hit with the big truck caused $14K damage!”

Obscurity

I am on such a roll! This un-scheduled vacation has been good for me!

Ever have one of those days where you can’t remember the important things, but do remember the really bizarre, inane, or obscure? Where right in the middle of something important you suddenly have a case of Déjà vu.

Now Déjà vu, by definition, is the “feeling of having already experienced a situation”. Like going to a place you’ve never been to before and knowing your way around.

I have something similar to that, but different, that occurs. Every memory has a key that causes it to come forward into your conscience thought. There’s a fancy technical medical name for it, but I don’t know what it is, and cannot seem to find it, even though I have some amazing resources at my disposal. Finding things is the basis behind Colorado Finders (.com). So does that make me a failure? I digressed. I digest too, but that’s another story.

Anyway, every once-in-a-while I will suddenly have a very vivid memory of some obscure location that at one time or another I had visited. I may have only been there once, but I could tell you most anything about that place. (I could, but I probably wouldn’t.) When that happens I check my surroundings and what’s going on around me to try to figure out what the key was to trigger the memory.

One person theorized that I was having an OOBE, or an Out Of Body Experience, and going back to that location, hence the ‘memory’ of that place in vivid detail. My sister says good medication will take care of those theories.

Whatever the case, every once-in-a-while I short-circuit and can’t remember what I need to. So, because of that problem, as a public service I am giving you a couple of tidbits that your memory probably can’t dredge up either.

Remember Snow White and the Seven Dents? No, sorry, that was the X-rated version. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? I know, that’s not a PC title, but I didn’t write it. Anyway, here’s the name of the Seven Dwarfs:

Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey

Here’s another goodie for you. Remember the Roadrunner? In the original cartoons the coyote was called “Coyote”. Later they expanded his name to “Wiley E. Coyote”. Do you know what their Latin names are?

Road Runner: Accelleratii Incredibus

Coyote: Carnivorous Vulgaris



My job here is finished.

HELP!

Sometimes people need help.

Many times those people who need help are too proud to ask for it. They go without any help, trying to go it alone. They may succeed, and they may not.

And then there are those who, even after swallowing their pride and asking for help, are refused by those they thought they could look to for help. And they too go without any help, trying to go it alone.

Then there are those who need help, and without asking anyone, are offered help in one form or another. This is the situation my daughter, Tanya, has got me in.

She and her husband, Robbie, have quit smoking. At least that is the declaration she gave me. Truth be told, having to put up with a husband and newborn child, Tanya hasn’t actually stopped smoking. I talked with her on Monday, October 12, 2009, and she was making that familiar whooshing/gagging/hacking/heavy breathing sound that smokers make when they’re talking on the phone and sucking on their cancer sticks.

In a manner by which I still cannot figure out, I “volunteered” to help her quit smoking.

Short story long, if I send her a picture of me in a cheerleader outfit, (complete with pompoms of course) she promised me that she would quit smoking completely. She would proudly hang the 8 x 10 full color glossy in her living room for all to see, and to remind her the sacrifice her Daddy made for her to quit smoking.

And there would be a silver lining to that: I would hang a copy of said picture on my refrigerator which I am sure would help me lose lots of weight. And the death of household vermin would be a welcome side effect.

Tanya stated that the method of acquiring said cheerleader outfit would probably be easier at this time of year since Halloween is just around the corner. She told me, also, that photo-chopping by Kevin would not be permitted. He’s already done that to me with a girdle and bra combo. I actually looked pretty good in that outfit, so the cheerleader get-up may not be so bad.

I love how my Daughter is so willing to help me make a fool of myself!